Remix of Xanphibian's story Passing Moment which should be read first, written from Spike's point of view
Notes: This little ficlet wrote itself after I read Passing Moment. Xanphibian has kindly allowed me to post it as mine, but I don't believe it is. All credit is her's, any mistakes or clumsiness in the writing are mine. I'm not a writer.
He's not sure how they've made it to this point. Xander so warm and pliant under him, writhing and sweating and making little gasping sounds that are making him So. Rock. Hard. it (almost) hurts.
He's taking his time preparing him, he doesn't want to add any more pain to the suffering he can feel coming off the boy in waves.
He understands why Xander's come to him, fresh from the wedding-that wasn't, needing this from someone he's gradually come to trust over the years, needing acceptance and almost maybe absolution too, if something souless like him can grant absolution.
He's thought about this before, fantasized sometimes, on lonely nights, when the emptiness gets too much for him, when the need for something more than Buffy can (will) ever give him gets too hard to bear. He's allowed himself the (unrealistic) dream of wrapping himself around Xander's heat, of sinking into that welcoming tightness.
But in the dreams Spike had always been talking, pushing, goading Xander, reducing him to nothing but a pleading, begging boy who'd do anything Spike told him to do.
It's not like that now, he can't find the words and Xander's not begging, just pushing back against Spike's cock as he positions the thick blunt head carefully at Xander's prepared entrance.
And then he's pushing inside and it's everything he's imagined. It's heat and velvet and hotter, tighter, needing deeper, needing more.
He's maybe hurting Xander a bit now as he starts to pound into the wonderful slick heat, and he tries to control it but he can't, and then Xander is meeting his thrusts fully and it's too good, too powerful, too everything and he's not going to be able to hold off for long
He feels Xander clench around him in release and he's suddenly coming harder than he's ever come before. He nearly blacks out and Xander's collapsed on the bed and Spike wants to join him but he's suddenly scared.
He watches Xander turn his face away and he just has to lean forward and taste that mouth, just once.
His lips brush Xander's so quickly he's sure the boy hasn't noticed.
He takes advantage of still closed eyes to slip away before he can see the revulsion he knows will be in Xander's eyes when he opens them and looks at him and he doesn't want to see it, can't bear to see it.
Because this is it, this is all there will ever be. Because Spike loves Buffy and Xander loves Anya, and this is just a passing moment, an aberration, and as soon as Xander finishes cleaning himself up he'll go on home and leave Spike to drink his bottles of JD -- until his eyes are too blurry to see he's alone and his mind is too numb to process the fact that Buffy is never going to fill the emptiness inside him.
Feed the Author