Rating NC17 -- pairing is Spander with a small topping of Spangel
The Sex Files Series
by
Evil Manic Laugh
File 1
Property
Spike was tied to the bright orange Barcalounger in Xander’s basement. Buffy had used several miles of rope to attach him to the chair. It wasn’t enough, but he didn’t want to hurt any fragile human feelings, especially when said humans were the only buffer between himself and starvation.
The human boy turned over and mumbled in his sleep. He was obviously having erotic dreams about his absent girlfriend if the scent in the air was anything to go by. Spike sighed and wondered how he had become such a pathetic excuse for a demon. Still only eight more hours to go and he might be given an enticing mug of dead pig juice to stave off his hunger pangs.
The soldier boys at the Initiative had done him in good and proper; no feeding, no fighting, and, if his recent experience with Harmony was anything to go by, no fucking either. Sod the three R’s, that had been drummed into him by his cane wielding school master, it was the three F’s that he craved so desperately.
There was a sudden disturbance in the force -- well, a loud knocking at the window. His vampire senses were definitely off at the moment, it must the depression that he was wallowing in.
“Xander, oh Xanny there’s someone outside wanting to talk to you,” simpered Spike in his best Anya impersonation. The knocking became more determined.
“Wake the fuck up, you wanker.”
Xander jolted awake and rubbed at his sleep-bleary eyes. “Mom?”
“No, it’s not your sodding Mummy, you git. Open the fucking window and tell whoever the fuck is out there to piss off.”
Xander scrambled across the bed and peered out of the grimy pane. A familiar hulking figure was crouched down, tapping insistently on the glass. Xander slid the window open.
“Deadboy, What the hell is this place turning into, a vampire convention? No one sent me the memo. Hey, do they have slutty dancing girls at vampire conventions?”
“Invite me in, Xander.”
Xander looked closely at the brooding male. “How do I know you’re not all evil again? I’m not ready to get turned to the dark side just yet.”
“Invite me in, I’m here to help Buffy.”
Xander sighed reluctantly. “You are welcome to visit my small, but not so comfortable, home, oh creature of the night. Mi basementa es su basementa.”
Angel squeezed in through the tiny sash window and stared at his errant Childe who was looking anywhere but at him.”
“William, what the fuck mess have you got yourself into now? Get out of that hideous chair.”
“Hey not so much of the hideous, Angel. Do I come to your home and insult your taste in furnishing?” Xander gulped as Spike snapped the ropes and eased himself out of the lounger.
“Buffy remember? You were all with the helping a minute ago.” Xander was clearly speaking to himself.
“Take your clothes off, Will.”
Spike stripped out of his jeans and t-shirt, ashamed of his poor physical condition.
“Too thin.” Angel turned on Xander “Why haven’t you been feeding him?”
“We have. We’ve been looking after you, haven’t we, Spike? Once we found out he was neutered, we fed him and gave him a place to sleep and…”
“Took him out for walks on a leash by the sound of it. Bring me some blood Harris.”
Xander scampered off to the refrigerator and pulled out a couple of bags. He threw them in the direction of the big vampire, who was walking in a circle around Spike examining him.
“You let them claim you.”
“Had no choice, did I?” Spike punched Xander in the arm and fell to the floor, clutching his head and screaming in agony. Angel pulled him to his feet.
“Can’t hurt a bloody fly now, can I?” Spike was still shaking; the recovery from even a slight chip jolt was not quick.
Angel’s handsome face distorted into the leonine features of his demon and he ripped into the plastic, devouring the contents.”
“Need more blood,” he grunted.
“Er, that was it and can I also add that that was Spike’s breakfast.”
The elder vampire delved into his wallet and threw a wad of notes at the young man.
“Go get some more. Now!”
Xander pulled on a pair of baggy jeans and a sweatshirt. Grabbing his keys from the table he beat a hasty retreat to Willy’s bar; a place he normally felt pretty uncomfortable in, but right now was a hell of a sight more appealing than home.
Spike was all scrunched up in Giles’ bath; a piece of chinaware that had obviously been designed for midgets. Even Spike had to admit that he was not among the tallest of vampires, and could indeed be said to be slightly below average height, but even he was bloody squashed into the damn roll top piece of crap. Buffy had made sure that the chains were done up really tight, before she and her poncey new boyfriend and the naffing Scoobies had gone out leaving him all alone. They hadn’t even put the telly where he could see it.
“So lonely, so lonely, so lonely,” he sang
“I feel low, low, low I feel low, low, low. I feel low, I feel so lonely.”
The bathroom door opened and Xander entered Spike’s cell.
“Poor gay-sex buddy, are you all on your own?” grinned the young man.
“You only dare tease me coz I’m all chained up, otherwise you’d be running scared” pouted Spike.
“Oooh all chained up. So you are, I hadn’t noticed. Does Spikey want to suck for his supper then?” Xander slowly started to unfasten the zipper on his pants.
Spike writhed around in the cold, enamel tub. He couldn’t believe himself; he was such a fucking sub. One little hint of domination and he was on his knees begging for it, literally.
“The others will be back real soon, so you’d better be good at this or they’ll discover just how much you like sucking guys off.”
The zipper slipped down lower and lower. Spike licked the drool from his lips; he was gagging to get that big fat cock in his mouth. Xander slid his jeans down and allowed his erection to spring free; it slapped him in the belly. Spike’s mouth watered even more. Sodding Pavlov’s dog he was, one hint of dick and he was stiff as a board.
Xander knelt precariously on the edge of the bath and dangled his prick just out of Spike’s reach.
“That’s it, Blondie, you so want to suck me off, don’t you?”
Spike strained to get nearer but it was impossible.
“You only have to ask…nicely.”
Christ the boy was learning to be evil with the best of them. ‘What was it in him that inspired such cruelty?’ wondered the vampire. He fought at his chains just a little harder, breathing in the smell of his own blood as the metal links gouged their way into his skin.
Xander didn’t give an inch, instead he lubed his hand up with spittle and dreamily stroked his erection, fondling his balls and sighing blissfully. Spike wriggled some more, the metal zipper was biting into his hard on and causing him extreme discomfort.
“Please, Xan.”
“Please, Xan what?” The man continued stroking his dick, thrusting appreciatively into his own fist. The scent was driving Spike insane.
“Please, Xan, I want to suck you off.”
That delicious cock edged its way nearer to Spike’s lips. Oh god, he was going to cum in his pants soon.
“Xander, I need to suck you.”
“There’s a good vampire, now open wide.”
Xander ran his cock around the edge of Spike’s mouth, tantalized by that pink tongue that lapped at his pre-cum as if it were the finest of wines.
“Fuck, Spike, that’s so good, now take me in all the way.”
He thrust his cock into the vampire’s throat, gasping as strong muscles contracted around him and he was swallowed deep inside.
“Yeah, so good at that, Spike, you could make a living off your blow jobs and your tight little ass. Yeah, I’m gonna fuck your face so hard.”
Spike was in paradise, there was nothing he liked better than an eight inch prick in his mouth except for, perhaps, an eight inch prick in his ass.
Xander held onto to the edge of the wash hand basin and began to pump his cock as hard as he could into Spike’s throat. That pink tongue licked him on every stroke and he could feel his climax start to build.
“Jesus Christ.” Xander was leaning over the vampire fucking his mouth as hard and fast as he could. They both heard the sound of voices, entering the apartment. Spike remembered what Xander had said, and sucked as hard as he could, scraping his teeth against the engorged shaft and drooling cockhead.
“Oh fuck yeah, that’s it, Spike, suck harder, oh Jesus Chriiiiiiiiiiiist.”
Gallons of spunk poured into Spike’s mouth and he swallowed delightedly, relishing the taste of the boy.
“Did you say something, Xander? Are you alright?” asked the watcher from the other side of the unlocked door.
“We’re fine, Giles; I was just giving Spike something to drink. I’ll be out in a minute.”
He grinned at the vampire, who was still licking droplets of cum from around his mouth.
“I could have sworn I heard you shout something. Oh well, my hearing must be playing up.” Giles wandered away still muttering.
Xander tucked his penis back into his jeans and zipped himself up.
“You were a very good vampire. I’ll tell Giles you deserve extra blood tonight.”
Spike struggled against the chains. “Hey, idiot boy, what about me? I’m all throbby. Oi, get back here, you wanker.”
“I think that’ll be you, Spikey. Oh but those chains are a bit tight, shame you can’t reach.”
Xander blew him a kiss and left the bathroom.
File 3
In Grave Danger
“Well hey there, Blondie. Who’d ever imagine meeting a cum-sucking fiend like you, in a place like this?”
Spike carried on with the renovations to his new bijou crypt like residence. If he ignored Harris, he might go away.
“Are you all sulking with me, my little fuck-vamp?” Xander ran his fingers through the surprisingly soft tendrils of hair at the nape of Spike’s neck, making it very difficult for the vampire to concentrate on the rewiring job he was in the middle of.
“Hey, no touching.” Spike pulled away and continued to feed the mains cable through the wall of the stone vault.
“Come on, Spikey, Xander’s got a nice present for you, and it’s all throbby and leaking.” Xander grinned as he saw the obvious shudder of desire surge through that skinny but muscular body.
“D’you know how bleedin’ long I was left in that sodding bathtub? It weren’t a case of blue balls; they were black by the time I got to have a wank. I waited for you to come and relieve my tension, but did you? No, you fucking well didn’t.”
Spike stood up and brushed the dirt off his hands in a self satisfied manner. He was chuffed with himself. Now all he had to do was nick a telly and a fridge and he’d be laughing.
Xander ran his hands lecherously over the vampire’s firm torso, swaying up against his ass, and unbuttoning the dirt-encrusted jeans.
“Didn’t realize you were so good with the tools, Spike? Shall I show you how handy I can be?”
Xander extracted Spike’s erection from the open jeans and pulled at it with saliva-wet fingers. Spike groaned in supplication, and leant back into the human, enjoying the warmth radiating from Xander’s body.
“I’m gonna show you just how well my hammer action, power tool works. I’m betting that you want a demonstration right now, don’t you Spike?”
“Mmmmm gah grll.”
“I’m not so good with Fyarl, was that a yes?”
“Yeah,” murmured the vampire, as that calloused hand slid up and down his prick.
“Yes what?”
“Yes, I want you to shove your dick in my ass, you sodding wanker,” yelled Spike.
“Well seeing as you asked real nice.” Xander laughed and pushed the vampire over towards a headstone, tugging the blond’s jeans down to his thighs and wrestling with the fly of his own pants.
“That’s it Spike, bend over there. I haven’t got any lube on me so this’ll have to do.” Xander knelt between the vampire’s legs and pulled his buttocks apart. He licked a wet trail up the crevice of that firm ass and tongued insistently at the small pucker, eliciting the most incredible noises from the vampire. Spike had never been rimmed in his life and squealed in a very unmanly way as that soft, wriggly muscle pushed its way up inside him, forcing saliva into his rectum and ensuring that he was thoroughly wetted up and ready for a good hard fuck. He pressed back against the boy’s mouth, groaning as his erection scraped against the rough surface of the headstone. Suddenly the tongue was gone and he was filled with a much larger object.
“Fuck yes,” he screamed, as that big cock punched insistently against his prostate. “Harder, Xan, harder.”
The dark haired young man obliged, happy to show off his hammer action abilities, and thrust himself into the willing ass, moaning with satisfaction at each deep penetration.
“Xander, where are you?” came a voice from beyond the trees.
“Fuck, it’s Riley,” whispered Xander, as he pulled himself out of Spike.
“Don’t want Slayer’s poncey boyfriend to know I live around here. He’ll drag me back into that soddin’ lab and have his tiny cock up my ass again, in a fucking flash, if he catches me,” muttered Spike, pulling up his jeans and heading off hurriedly into the night. Xander followed him.
“Cock…? Ass…? TINY…? Wait up, my fangless fuck-friend. Need some explanations here.”
Xander tripped over a smashed stone cross and grabbed for the vampire, pulling them both over into an open grave, ready and waiting for a funeral.
“Oooops. Sorry. Much of the clumsy. Useful position though.” He could tell Spike was grinning up at him. “How did you manage to fall on your back?”
“Strategic maneuvering, Mate, it‘s very tricky to learn.”
They struggled to release their cocks in the confined space.
“To frot or not to frot that is the question,” chuckled the vampire.
“I’m thinking there’s not much choice,” breathed Xander, as he ground himself hard into Spike’s groin.
“Alas, poor Xander, I knew him.”
“Quit with the Shakespeare, I’m trying to get off here,” groaned Xander.
“I love it when a man writes poetry, just for me,” chuckled the vampire.
“Spike, concentrate.” Xander stuck a hand down between them and greased up the two erections with spit. “I’m gonna be so sore if I have to keep this up much longer.”
“It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it,” laughed the annoying vampire.
Xander growled and pounded into him, dragging his cock upwards against Spike’s hard-on, to increase the friction.
“I’m sure I heard him come this way,” yelled the soldier boy’s dumbfuck voice.
“Not yet, but soon,” whispered Spike, causing Xander to collapse in a fit of muffled hysterics against Spike’s chest.
The likelihood of being discovered seemed to be an aphrodisiac for both vampire and human and they thrust their cocks together urgently, as the Slayer, her tosser of a boyfriend and Willow all hunted for them in the nearby vicinity.
Spike buried his face into Xander’s neck and groaned out his orgasm, splashing a deluge of cool semen over Xander’s pulsing erection.
“Fuck, yes,” moaned Xander in a loud voice, as his cum mingled with the vampire’s.
“Xander was that you? Are you okay?” called Willow in a worried voice.
“I’m just coming,” shouted Xander, as his dick finished spurting. He looked down at the vampire whose face was suddenly illuminated by the wandering beam of a flashlight. “Do not say anything.”
Xander hastily jumped up and sprang up out of the grave with adrenalin enhanced agility. He re-buttoned his Hawaiian shirt, muttering distastefully as it adhered to the dripping cum on his stomach.
“What, in the name of gore-splattering demons, were you doing down there?” queried Buffy.
“I fell in the hole whilst grappling with an evil vampire,” explained Xander truthfully, coughing to cover up the sounds of sniggering, which emanated from the grave.
“Looks much more like a gore-splattering demon to me.” Riley looked suspiciously at the strings of white fluid that streaked the front of Xander’s baggy jeans. Xander coughed again loudly.
“No, definitely a vamp. It was just lucky that I had my big stake at hand to thrust into him.” Xander was happy; after all he was still telling the truth.
“But why are your pants undone?” giggled Willow.
“Err……”
File 4
Sex Ed For Dummies
“Oi, tosser, mind out me way. I was ‘ere first.” Spike pushed Xander aside, apparently desperate to get his hands on a rather pretty lamp.
“What are you doing here, Junior?” Xander looked at the vampire in amusement as he shoveled through the hordes of junk, sorting it out into neat piles. Only Spike could find so much to occupy him at the City Dump.
“I’m rummaging.” Spike continued to sift through the broken items.
“What for, my Fangless-so-not-Friend?”
“Duh, rummage, what else? You should ‘ave a look, most of this stuff is ten times better than the crap in your bleedin’ cellar.”
“I live in a basement, not a cellar and I’m not going to be living there much longer. I’m being all upwardly mobile and getting me an apartment.” Xander looked smug. “Maybe I’ll invite you over to give me a blow job one day.”
Spike shifted restlessly and Xander leered at him. If he’d realized just how easy Spike was the day they’d met, he might have been tempted to get down and dirty with him in the corridors of Sunnydale High.
“Maybe you don’t wanna wait that long though, Bleach Boy? I’m thinking you wanna wrap your pretty lips around my meat right now.”
Spike adjusted himself. This was bloody ridiculous. Why wouldn’t the boy leave him alone? Oh what the fuck. He looked around the junkyard and dragged the annoying but delicious human over towards a convenient old car. “Get in the back, Whelp.”
“You wanna park up with me? How rude and you’ve never even taken me to the movies.”
“If you want me to suck you off, you have ten, nine, eight, seven, six…”
Xander climbed hurriedly into the crumpled Ford Zephyr. His cock was aching with anticipation and he didn’t wanna miss out on half an hour of pleasuring from the BJ King.
Spike opened the other door and got into the vehicle. He unfastened his jeans and pulled Xander’s chinos down to his knees. The boy’s cock sprang free from the confines of his shorts; it was an urgent purplish color and drooled in expectation. Spike’s prick twitched in his hand at the erotic sight.
“Someone’s just as slutty as me,” grinned Spike, leaning over and licking up the pre-cum.
“Hey, get with the sucking, Deadboy. I’m supposed to be finding a Toth, not a Toth-er.” Xander looked over at Spike’s heavily occupied wanking arm and laughed at his little joke. The sudden sensation of being swallowed and gripped by preternaturally strong throat muscles silenced him and he leant his head back, marveling at the vampire’s abilities. Hell, Spike must've spent most of his hundred something years on his knees, to get this good at blow jobs.
The blond vampire grazed the rock hard cock with his human teeth and sucked harder. Xander groaned and Spike wondered, just for a second, what the boy would do if his cock was pierced with a nice pointy fang. He reckoned that the whelp would cum instantly, shame he couldn’t try it -- bloody chip. He pulled the warm erection out of his mouth and rubbed it over his cool cheeks, he loved the feel of the slippery glans sliding over his skin, and, by the noises the human was making, he was enjoying the sensation just as much. He sucked Xander’s cock back into his mouth and deep throated it, squeezing a stream of pre-cum out of the tiny slit.
“Xander, what are you doing in that car?” Buffy frowned at her friend. “We’re supposed to be hunting a Toth.”
“Well I’m ‘aving a toth, tho fuck off thlayer,” muttered Spike then continued to bob up and down on the swollen shaft, stroking his own engorged length with furious speed.
Xander giggled in a nervous, high-pitched, girly way and grabbed an old can of Pepsi from the back shelf.
“Diet coke break?” he explained warily, waving the can at Buffy and hoping that the liquid, swilling about in the container, was not what he thought it might be from the acrid smell.
“Don’t be too long,” pouted Buffy. “We need all the hands we can get.”
“I won’t be,” squeaked Xander, as Spike’s free hand stroked his thighs and a wet finger investigated further upwards.
Buffy wandered off to find the rest of the gang and Xander slapped Spike round the head.
“That was bad, being all probey when I was trying to talk.”
“I’ll take it out then shall I,” grinned the vampire, crooking the naughty digit and pulling it out of its tight sheath. He received another slap, and, duly chastised, pushed it back in where it belonged.
“Oh, OH, OOH,” screamed Xander as Spike’s finger was joined by a friend and that cool, wet mouth continued to do things to his cock which were probably considered illegal in at least half of the civilized world, not to mention several demon dimensions too. Xander buried his fingers in the blond, gelled hair and pushed Spike further onto his erection, yanking the vampire’s head up and down to the required tempo.
Spike growled with delight at this new turn of events. He always liked a side helping of pain with his pleasure and he loved a dominant partner, even if said partner was a youthful human with big doe eyes and very bad dress sense. His growl turned into more of a purr as he teased Xander’s sweet spot with blunt fingernails and felt the human’s muscles contract and his cock swell. One more powerful suck and he was able to gulp down mouthfuls of delicious, warm cum. He worked the foreskin over his own slick cockhead and kicked out in pleasure as his fist filled with spunk. The car door swung open with extreme force and there was a strange, gargling, kerthunky sort of noise.
“You sound weird when you cum, I never noticed that about you before,” said Xander sleepily. The boy’s head lolled to one side and with his pants round his ankles and his prick still glistening wet and semi-erect, he looked well and truly fucked. Spike sat up and admired his handiwork for a moment. Then he realized what Xander had actually said and peered out of the car window.
“I didn’t make that noise, Pillock.”
“Good, coz it wasn’t big on the sexy.”
Spike pulled up his jeans and exited the somewhat slippery back seat. “This Tother you were looking for, is it really tall and ugly with an overhanging forehead and long dark swirly clothes?”
“No,” murmured Xander, “that’s your Daddy, Angel.”
“Oh yeah,” grinned Spike happily. “Change the dark, swirly clothes to a dark, swirly cloak.”
Xander thought back to what Giles had been yammering on about earlier. “Yeah that’s sounds like the dude. Why?”
“Coz he’s ‘ere.”
Xander yelped in a truly girly way. He did not want to be caught fighting demons with his pants down. He climbed out of the car and looked at the semi-conscious fugly on the floor.
“What were you s’posed to do with him when you found him?”
Xander thought back to what Giles had been yammering on about earlier. “Kill him… I think.”
Spike wasn’t the sort of vampire to waste time while people made up their minds. He snapped the neck of the prone demon as if it were a twig -- a very small, spindly twig. Xander gulped, he had a stupid tendency to forget that the little vamp was terrifyingly strong, and to think he kept sticking his cock in between those jaws. He really ought to try and be more friendly.
“I hope it was kill him, still too late now.” Xander examined the body. “Oh look he’s got a little rod.”
Spike peered down at Toth, “It must be bleedin’ tiny, coz I can’t see it.”
Xander frowned at the vampire and picked the little rod up off the floor. Then he squeaked excitedly. “Oooh it’s got buttons, it’s a light-saber.”
“I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it,” squealed Spike, grabbing for the new toy.
“I found it first and it’s finders-keepers,” Xander held the rod above his head, well aware that his few inches of extra height would prevent the vampire from reaching the thingy. Spike leapt high off the ground and got his hands on the rod, pulling at it. The two boys ended up in a heap on the floor. They were busy enjoying the wrestling a little too much when one or other of them must have pushed a button by accident. A beam of light shot out of the end of the rod, piercing them both with its strangely non-hurty ray.
“It is a light-saber, it is a light-saber. I told you so and it’s mine.” Xander was shrill with excitement. He got up from the ground and looked down at Spike.
“Get up, Fangless. What the hell are you doing down there?”
“Snogging you, from the looks of things,” said a familiar cockney accent, right next to him.
Xander looked across at Spike and then looked down at Spike and then looked under Spike and looked at himself. On-the-floor-Spike and Other-Him looked as if they were about to get a little naked and the thought of watching wasn’t too unappealing. Oh no… many more important issues to sort out before Xander could get busy with the voyeuring.
“How do we know if you’re you and I’m me? What if I’m him and you’re you and we’re not really taking to each other? Does that mean that this conversation won’t have happened?”
“We can bloody well hope so, Luv,” said Spike. He picked up Other-Spike by the scruff of the neck and was relieved to see that Other-His’s penis was still in its trousers, where it belonged, although Other-Him looked to have a stonker of a hard-on.
“Oi, Wanker, where d’you come from?” questioned Spike.
“Me fuck man,” explained Other-Spike with a happy smile.
Xander collapsed in a fit of laughter. “I always said you were retarded.”
Spike gave him Moron-Spike to look after and picked up Other-Xander. Perhaps this one would make more sense.
“What the bleedin hell are you doing ‘ere?” he asked in his normal, sensitive manner.
Other-Xander burst into tears and ran to the shelter of Moron-Spike’s arms. “Nasty man, not like.” Moron-Spike petted and soothed Stupid-Xander and before long they were locked together, sucking at each other’s mouths and fondling not so very private parts.
“I’m still looking really hard, Giles, but unless the big, scary demon is really an itsy, bitsy, big, scary demon, it’s just not here.” Voice of Willow was sounding very fed up.
“It certainly is here,” insisted Voice of Giles. “This little gadgety thing says so. Oh, Xander, there you are… and Spike, how truly unpleasant to see you.”
“Your Toth thing’s there, Pet. I dealt with it. I think that’s worth at least fifty bucks.” Spike pointed at the body of the demon.
Buffy and Riley appeared, looking rather disheveled and even more disappointed when they discovered that Spike had eliminated their target.
Giles was concerned. Xander and Spike were standing shoulder to shoulder, with very wide innocent eyes, but every now and then they exchanged a glance and whispered together. The conversation looked to be serious.
“Is there a problem, boys?” Giles kicked himself inwardly; he had to stop referring to Spike as one of his children.
“Er, Toth had a little rod,” said Xander.
“And the wanker wouldn’t let me play with it,” explained Spike.
“But I found it, so it was mine,” interrupted Xander.
“You could’ve let me have a bloody turn. I only wanted to have a little look at it.”
“But you were the one who pressed the button.”
“Bloody wasn’t.”
“You so were.”
Spike and Xander wondered why no-one was interrupting their argument and then they realized that they’d moved slightly and exposed the fornicating Moron and Stupid. Everyone stared open mouthed at the pair of duplicates, who were grinding together, happily engrossed in each other, and completely unaware of their audience.
“Spike,” threatened Buffy.
“It was ‘im. Well it was sort of ‘im and me. Well, I dunno do I?” muttered Spike.
Xander looked across and suddenly noticed how cute his vampire looked with mussed up bed hair and a very forlorn expression on his face. He wanted to comfort him; he wanted to do exactly what Moron and Stupid were doing right now. He musn’t look at Moron and Stupid.
“What are they doing?” exclaimed the homophobic voice of Riley.
“Frottage by the looks of things,” said Giles with a smirk. “The more important questions are what happened? And what do we do about them?”
“Stop them doing that fillage thing, would be good for a start,” said Buffy disgustedly.
Xander and Spike interrupted their doubles and made them decent. Stupid Xander started to cry again and Moron Spike struggled helplessly to get back to his mate.
“Want man,” he said petulantly.
“Want fuck,” sobbed Xander’s double.
Spike shrugged. “Copies are never as good as the original.”
“And the copier was real low on toner when it came to Xeroxing these two,” said Riley snidely.
“Let me look at Toth’s rod,” said Giles.
“It’s under his cloak. He won’t mind if you want to have a perv.” Spike grinned, curling his tongue behind his teeth.
Willow giggled.
Giles ignored the vampire and took the little rod from Xander, examining it thoroughly. “I’ll take this home and do some research tonight.”
Moron finally freed himself from Spike’s grip and rushed over to the bawling duplicate of Xander, purring gently and petting his mate.
“Oh, how cute,” said Willow, her eyes misting up at the lovey-doveyness. “Do you purr like that, Spike?”
“No,” grumped Spike.
“Yes,” laughed Xander, at the same time, then corrected himself hurriedly. “No. I mean, I dunno. I mean, how in the world of weirdness should I know that?”
People were looking at him strangely. Spike was looking at him like he wanted to lick him. His dick was rearing up as if it wanted to be licked. Anya was sulking with him because she wanted a better place to fuck in. Anya wouldn’t be licking him soon. Moron was licking Stupid. Stupid’s dick was rearing up as if it wanted to be licked.
“What are we going to do with them?” asked Buffy, looking daggers at the oversexed idiots. “And in the most emphasizey way, they are NOT staying with us.”
Was that a look of disappointment from the homophobic militia boy? wondered Xander.
“I suppose I could take them,” said Giles, his cheeks becoming slightly ruddy. “But then they might distract me from the essential research.”
“Sad, sad, bad, never mind,” babbled Xander; he didn’t like the way Giles was staring at his brain dead copy. It was just too weird to think of the watcher buggering the dopey duo all night.
“I’ll look after them,” said Spike, heaving a heavily-overacted disconsolate sigh. “Who knows how strong Moron might be? He is a bloody vamp after all; least I might be able to kick ‘im into order if he gets frisky.”
Moron was definitely getting frisky right now, and was on top of Stupid, pulling at the buttons in frustration.
“Good plan,” muttered Giles.
“Do you want some help getting them back to the crypt?” asked Xander.
“Might do,” replied Spike.
“Well okay then.” Xander separated the horny couple and passed the rumpled, whinging Spike-alike to his daddy. Holding Stupid by the hand, he led him towards the road.
“I’ll try to find a solution by tomorrow,” shouted Giles.
“No hurry,” muttered Spike very quietly, as he and Moron followed the Xanders home.
“I can’t believe you have a proper shower,” said Xander incredulously as he toweled himself off in front of the wood burning stove.
“Told you I was handy, Pet, “smiled the vampire. Xander smiled back at him. Holy shit what was Giles doing coming down the ladder? Xander did the only thing he could think of and burst into tears. Spike rushed over and started to stroke his hair, purring loudly.
Giles polished his glasses at the sight of the naked, entwined couple. Xander had a sneaking suspicion that it was to enable the watcher to watch a tad more closely.
“Er, hello.” Giles annunciated his words slowly and clearly. “Where…is…Spike?”
“Shower wet,” said Spike, with wide innocent eyes.
Xander almost giggled, muffling his mirth into the muscular chest of the vampire and giving the blond’s nipple a little suck while he was there.
“Of course the shower is wet, you idiot. Oh, you mean that Spike is in the shower? I see. I’ll wait upstairs then.” Giles thought he could hear the sounds of gasping and groaning emanating from the direction of the running water but who was he to query what the vampire got up to in the privacy of his own bathroom? He himself wasn’t averse to a little masturbatory fun in the cubicle.
He headed back up the ladder.
“Bleedin’ hell, Whelp, What the fuck did you think you were doing sucking on me like that with the bloody watcher in the room?”
“Playing my part convincingly?”
Xander looked at him with big beautiful brown eyes. Spike wanted to kiss him. Spike really wanted to kiss him. He shook the thought from his head and pulled on some clean jeans and a freshly laundered T-shirt.
“I’ll go see what the watcher’s found out and you get the gruesome twosome dressed.” Spike followed Giles upstairs, out of harm’s way.
The Scoobies were gathered in the Magic Box. Giles was marking out some weird, runic, spelly things on the floor and the rest of them were staring at the happy-gooey-smoochy couple who were rolling around, erasing most of Giles’ chalkings as soon as he had completed them.
“Could somebody please stop them, we’ll never get this done if they keep…doing things on my runes.” The watcher was getting frustrated in more ways than one.
“Oh, leave them alone,” said Willow. “They’ll be all gone soon, back to nowhere land and they’re so in love.”
Spike felt really unhappy at Willow’s well-meant words and a little tear threatened to escape. He glanced at Xander who was looking equally as miserable as him.
“Light the candles and get them into the circle,” instructed Giles.
Spike and Xander pulled the boys apart and hauled them into the middle of the weird scripty mess. Moron and Stupid locked lips again and their hands wandered over each other lazily.
“Let the spell be ended,” sniffed Willow.
“That’s it,” said Buffy,” Where’s the newty eyes and toe of fugly?”
She wondered why everyone was so quiet and then looked at the spot where the four figures had stood. Now there was only one Spike and one Xander, which was right. But what was definitely not right was the joining of faces, the audible slurping and the visible groping.
“Dammit,” exclaimed Giles. “We’ve erased the wrong couple.”
The vampire and the man pulled apart, adopting expressions of disgust, loathing, grossness, abject fear and any other emotion they could summon up at such short notice.
“Yuck, Spike lips, lips of Spike,” yelped Xander, spitting and gagging.
“Bloody Hell, I’ve got Xander taste in my mouth,” said Spike, leaning over and play retching. He allowed a soppy expression to develop momentarily.
Xander had kissed him.
The End
